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American Red Cross, Blood donation, Blood type, Donation, health, medicine, platelet donation, productive, rejected, sadness, useless
I am the most useless person alive.
While I loath this I also have given this realization considerable thought and I came up with a plan. My dying wish is that my body be donated to science. 
If I cannot contribute to society in life, I may as well in death. I need my existence to MEAN something, no matter in what capacity.
This decision ensures that at the very least my conception one hazy night on Fire Island meant something. That the choice my unwed immigrant mother made not to go through with the abortion, bore me to life, it secures that life had a purpose. 
Even it that purpose is simply that eager 20-something year old medical students can learn from my corpse. That people who will go on to make contributions to the world during their living tenures on this earth will become one step closer to achieving a greatness I could never amount to as a living being.
My blood type is O negative. Additionally, it tests negative for exposure to a common benign virus. This all adds up to me being a blood donor superstar. My blood and platelets are universally accepted by all and supply is always in shortage. My lack of exposure this virus is extremely rare and makes me one of few candidates whose blood can be transfused to pregnant woman and infants.
I have donated a few times. Once in High School then again a few years later. When my company hosted a blood donation day I made my way to the top floor and readily rolled up my sleeve to share what gift God had granted me with others in need. However, I was deemed an inappropriate candidate on the basis that I had just started a round of prophylactic antibiotics in preparation for a tooth extraction the following afternoon.
Disheartened but understanding I returned to my work desk like a vampire, chock full of O negative.
The day I was laid off, following my Jerry McGuire-esque tantrum. After I conjured the strength to move from the city street curb where I had been hysterically crying, hyperventilating, shivering in self-hatred and shock, when I had finally ridden the train back to Berkeley, I exited the station only to find a mobile blood donation van.
I immediately felt reinvigorated. So, I was not considered by my employer to be of enough value to find another place for me, so I felt like a useless resource using asshole, here is my chance to give! To be valuable. I entered the snug van and began the pre-screen. My emotions from that mornings events still shaking me at my core. The nurse went through her battery of questions, consulted with the physician, who then came and sat beside me with the results of the screening. He informed me that they were not able to accept me as a donor as I was visibly upset and that my mental distress would make the donation process unpleasant and he could not in good faith permit me to give in my current condition. Really?! As if being needle stuck then spending 15-30 minutes trying not to watch as I am pumped like gas tank then either pass out, as I have in the past, or suffer nausea, dizziness and overall malaise. It is NEVER a pleasant experience, but it is a small price to pay if it may save even one life.
Shock. It was as if someone had punched me in the gut. How can this be happening again? How can I be rejected while trying to do something good, be a contributing member of society in some way, especially on that day when my self value was at an all-time low (well at the time I thought it was and all-time low, I didn’t know what the next few months had in store for me).
I exited the van shamefully, full of despair with no direction, feeling beaten and discarded.
Today, it all happened again. I passed by the 
American Red Cross Donation Center on my way to an appointment with a job recruiting agency. Afterwards, I was feeling, as I usually do after these types of meetings, disheartened. Overcome with the exhaustion of having to self promote, describe the kind of opportunity I am seeking, salary expectations and worst of all, why I am no longer at my last position.
So, again, in an attempt to feel as if the day, MY LIFE, was not a complete waste, I stopped in to make a donation. A plasma donation this time, a procedure which take over two hours. I aced the initial screening and was almost finished with the secondary health screen when a question of “incomplete dental work” appeared. This was new! I have a temporary crown over a dental implant. For the work to be considered “complete” the permanent crown still needs to be applied. However, the procedure costs upwards of $3,000, with insurance, and I am not in the financial position to even make their suggested monthly payment plan amount let alone the enormous fee upfront.
So, once again I was cast away, me and my rare oft sought after blood. I felt again as if I had been punched in the gut. Completely useless. My inability to pay for my oral health prevented me from doing good. It is painful to know that your failures not only impact and hurt you but those around you, the general public, SOCIETY.
I recently canceled my monthly giving to Planned Parenthood, had to throw away the Medicines Sans Frontiers plea for funds. What good am I? What am I doing for anyone? Why am I even here?
Once I inspired adventure in others, promoted good health, encouraged passion. Now, I have no basis to give any advice to anyone. I am a leper.
Best stay away from me – and my blood apparently.
~ the audacious amateur blogger
I can’t believe your experience with blood donation. I hope once I have my baby I will be able to donate blood. I’m O positive.
I wish you the best of luck, and all I can say is stay positive and think positive. You aren’t useless, you just think you are because of a set back.. or three. You have been through a lot — you know what’s up. Use your spunk to spark a new fire.
Ditto! Hang in! The thing about being down is you just can’t picture things changing, but they WILL, I’ve been there, I promise.
I know. I will try. Honestly, I get depressed and often clinicians ask if I am sducidal or think about killing myself. I do think about it, when the pain gets real bad, but I say and hold steadfast to this: I will never kill myself because you nor I never know what wonder amazing thing is around the corner, and I wouldn’t want to have missed out on something great because I couldn’t push through hard times.
The good times may never come in reality. There are enough sad tales out there of famous people and of those that were close to me to know I could be waiting for a happy ending that never comes.
(even the original version of the Little Mermaid has her sacrificing herself so that her love can live a long happy life with another woman)
But, I’ll take my chances
**note this does not apply to euthanasia. I am for it and would definitely ask for it if I were diagnoses with a progressive debilitating illness like Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, any form of dementia of if I needed a respirator to live and was brain dead. I watched my grandfather suffer, slowely dying from stomach and esophogial cancer, and now my father… Slowly (verrrrry slowly, he’s still good) progress in his Alzheimer’s, I know there will come a time he wouldn’t want to live, he wouldn’t be “him” anymore.
Weird right! First they said I couldn’t because I was overly emotional and it would make the experience more uncomfortable…. I’m not sure it is EVER pleasant sitting there with a needle in your arm while a pint of blood is being sucked out of you!
This dental work thing is a COMPLETELY new one. Like I said I donated many many times and it’s the first I ever got asked this question. Also, it’s not as if I have a gushing open wound, it’s a temporary crown over an implant that is well healed for over a year…. So I dunno. I’ll try again soon and if they ask that I won’t say anything about the crown….
That’s just weird. The part about not letting you donate because of your mood (what, bad karma seeps into the blood ??) or because of a missing crown. I guess someone somewhere has a good reason for that, but it beats me.
As for the rest, I like Seapunk2′s comment
I tried donating blood many years ago, and because I ‘shared’ a needle ONE TIME with someone, about 40 years ago, they sent me away. I am B+ and I was pissed.
Hang in there woman. We all go through hell and heaven on earth.
Well, that’s… Always gunna get you blacklisted from donating. If it was several years ago and you’ve since tested negative for.. HIV and hepatitis (which please god tell me you have been tested) in the year following the shared needle episode I would lie about that too.
I mean, that’s what they worry about. Trust me I’m a Public Health professional. They worry that some diseases like HIV take 6 mos to a year to show up in a blood test. Several years – your good. If its something you wanna do.
When I first signed up to be a bone marrow donor it was in college during a drive. There were a line of people waiting to sign up, lotta people I knew and who were def stoners, among other things. When they asked if I’d ever tried an illicit drug I thought they would never believe me if I’d said no, so I said I tried pot once.
I got a call a few weeks later saying they couldn’t accept me as a donor bc having used an illegal substance is indicative that I may be emotionally unstable and if I was found as a match had a higher likelihood of backing out of the procedure… Um, no. So I filled it out again with another agency and said I never touched drugs in my whole entire life.
Well, fine, I did say that I’m 58 and I was 15 at the time, and over 50 when I tried to give blood. I’ve had four kids, been extremely healthy and well, if no one’s been sick, I don’t have any diseases, hmmm.. sorry, I’m gettin’ out of here, this is kind of weird. If I can develop HIV after all these years… My two oldest are in their middle/late thirties…. Nothing there, either.
I’ve been tested for everything on earth, it seems, and even contracted Stephens-Johnson Syndrome and nearly died a few Christmas ago.
I’m good. I should not have even mentioned it. It was one moment in time.
I’m sorry it’s take me This long to reply. A few things in your comment truly stuck home for me.
First, in regard to HIV and blood donation. My father donated religiously for years. Blood, plasma, double red, whatever. Then one year, he’s in his 50′s at the time as well, two kids married 26 years etc. and he gets a call from the American red cross that they can no longer use him as a donor. Apparently, one can be exposed to the HIV virus but not contract it, ever. The tests they use to see if you have HIV don’t test for the virus itself (unless it’s within the first 6 mos of known exposure) they test for the antibody’s which can take anywhere from 3-6-12 months to appear in bloodwork. That said, you may have antibodies but not the virus if you have been exposed but either due to a natural tolerance to the virus (like those who survived the plague had a natural tolerance) or the exposure was not enough to contract the virus. Anyhow, at some point the ARC raised the level of acceptable anti-bodies allowed to be present in donors which cut my father out after like 20 years of donating. I remember him telling me why he wasn’t donating before and said “I tested positive for HIV” the panic that comes over you is indescribable (especially since it is suspected my paternal grandma died of AIDS as she had blood cancer and received massive blood transfusions in the late 70′s early 80′s, recovered then 7 Years later suddenly became ill and died within months without a proper cause of death revealed, so his chance of exposure was high – as was mine) but then he explained he wasn’t sick etc.
Two. You mentioned you survived Stephen-Turners? Do you mean the skin disease? The one that may be a side affect of lamictal? Bc i recently went in it an 12 days in developed a rash. I kept taking it AMA and it hasn’t gotten worse… Def concerned though!
Hmmm… somehow I sense that you’re being truthful as well as being facetious. I suppose that with every truth, there is something to ‘make fun’ of. Most often, this is how I handle my own uselessness feelings.
Unfortunately, as intelligent beings, we think plenty. Being ignorant or dull holds less heartache.
My husband and I chose to move to Crescent City, 20 miles south of the Oregon border, among the giant redwoods, pristine Smith River, Pacific Ocean and pure freshwater lakes. Being so close to the natural world is a good life.
We humans think we need to do BIG things to make a difference and have meaning in our lives. Not so. Our purpose is to love and to love one, then one, then one then another one. Show love and kindness, to even the smallest living thing. Look into the eyes of an old person, who shops alone. Offer to help.
Keep your eyes open for opportunities to bring a little ray of sunshine or light into someone’s life. Read my post with the mirrors. Take one of my hikes.
Any of the above mentioned places to live are great. Each place is what you make it.
There is no better way to understand your place in the world than to help or show kindness or love to someone who needs you, or could benefit from your effort. That extents to animals, as well.
We are all useless and useful. Make the useful, bigger.
Thank you
I try to be as helpful a “useful” as possible. I just had a few moments there where I just needed to DO something and was rejected, over and over.
Sadly im often the one walking around alone w the empty sad glow in her eyes… People have been kind to me and I try and do the same in return. But I could def do more for sure!
My 2c? Santa Cruz. Great town. And I agree with Ulysses – there are many many much more useless people on the world!
Yes, it am aware, it was like a “blast line” attention grabber… I know many folks are far more useless than I. I live in Berkeley…. Land of the Peter Pan hippies… Need I say more?
Santa Cruz is lovely. It’s alllll about the jobs. If I can find work there, I’d def consider it!
It’s not glamorous, though NY transplants love it and there is a new museum, but here is a place with 5.3% unemployment.
Yea… That’s the issue. I need a job. Moving is expensive! If I go to NY I have a free place to crash, contacts to assist w the job hunt etc.
I’d just have to live with my family and if is honestly a very bad atmosphere and I am truly afraid what will happen if I have to live with them for an extended period of time. My mother seriously wants to commit me to a mental institution… I don’t want that to become my “home” either!
Maybe you could negotiate a moving package so you don’t have to just go somewhere and hope for the best.
Lol. They, the fucking top ten global financial company that I moved to SF for didn’t give me a DIME for moving expenses.
I def Wont move anywhere but NY wo a job, preferably w relocation paid for but even just the stability of a job will do for now. I’m not exactly smokin hot commodity these days. My resume is attractive but I got sacked remember? No supervisory references from my last position…:(
Look into Sacramento. Specifically, look into “Midtown,” which is anywhere on the grid between 16th and 29th street. That’s where I’m at. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s simple and it still has the charm of a small town mixed with the eventfulness of a big city. Plus it’s the goddamn capitol. Rent is cheap and there’s always a studio or apartment available. The food scene is fantastic. We’re not exactly hemorrhaging jobs, but there’s tons of coffee-shops and restaurants and markets. I love it here. If anything, just go back to school like I did. It really helps realign you. Sure, the debt sucks, but that’s for my Future Self to deal with. Student debt is good debt, they say. I never thought I’d become a teacher, but since going back to school it’s become my goal. Anyway, think about it. The people here are friendly. We like to hang out on front porches and drink beer and listen to indie rock and play boardgames. It’s perfect for twenty-somethings who can’t afford (or hate) San Francisco but want to be social and meet people and be independently awesome. If you consider it seriously, I’ll give you more advice on making the move. Just don’t give up. Don’t let the scientists have you, yet.
Hmmm… Hadn’t thought about Sac really. Is it rude to say that it just sounds so, unglamorous?
Honestly, if I move, no when I move, it will most likely be back home to NY. I have major family issues there I am avoiding but ultimately I know it’s where I’ll “end up”. BUT I will keep my eye open for jobs in Sac. I’ll go to NY OR wherever I get a job.
Thanks for the advice!
That does sound like a pretty sucky experience, but silver lining-you didn’t get stuck by a needle for over two hours.
There are way more useless people out there. Drink a 40 and stop crying in your Corn Flakes.
Thanks for the positivity! wanna make a constructive comment with that? A suggestion perhaps as to what else I can do?
Sure there are more usless people out there, what do they have to do with me? i’m not satisfied with being useless, if others are thats their perogitive, I don’t judge. I’m just not one of them
That was a positive statement and I was merely disagreeing with your opening sentence. You need to listen to more Bobby McFerrin and then be happy that you are free not to listen to Bobby McFerrin. You also might consider a change of scenery. Capital flight is a serious problem in your state.
You’re the like fourth person who told me I should move. I don’t like the bay area. I hated living in San Francisco, Berkeley is a bit better. But I don’t plan on staying forever, just till I figure out my next move