I spent the day in Salem, Massachusetts, a small town with an ogre-sized infamous past. Took a little day trip from my visit to Boston. It was fine. Nice to feel like a tourist again.
However, not even the lush beauty of bright orange and red leafed trees lining old cobblestone streets could stop the increasingly ever-present pain I carry.
It seems to grow worse by the day, perhaps even the hour. Carrying this pain, like a sack of coal strapped to my back is utterly exhausting.
My usual GO GO GO spirit while traveling and sight-seeing was slowed by the heaviness of the sadness, the weight of the pain. It is such a shame too, I was very much the intrepid traveler. The thrill of being and exploring a new place got me higher than any drug, made me feel like I was on speed times 10.
Will I ever savior that natural high again? Revive my zest for life? Maybe. Hopefully. Right now it feels as though I want to drill a hole in my brain to stop the constant reel of thoughts passing through one lobe to the next, continually reminding me of my failures, my losses and how they are affecting me everyday in almost everything I do.
I walk around with this burden and visions. Of getting hit by trucks, planes I’m on plunging to the ground (sorry fellow passengers), my car swerving and crashing into a pole.
This is new-ish territory for me. Moodiness is an evil I have fought my entire life, but the bad states would last a month, maybe two at most. If a needed to look for work because school ended or a contract came to a close, I would maybe bathe in self-pity for a week, holed up in my room watching Top Chef reruns over and over and over until boredom overcame me then a burst of adrenaline hits through me and I was back!
Six months. It’s been six months since I lost my job and I am still waiting. I am still mourning. I don’t even know what I am waiting for. The moment the slightest bit of hope enters my psyche and I envision the future I want, begin go get ready to work on making it happen – I remember. Yes. I recall that I had it. I had the golden ticket, I’d worked hard for it, waited a long time to find it and then it was lost. ALONG with the opportunity to have that chance again due, much like the accused “witches” of Salem, I now am tainted with a blackened work history.
Something must change. I MUST change. But how? What? Where? For the first time in my life I have no idea. No intuition, no leads, nada.
I am in an arts and crafts studio with no scissors. The irony.
Grant me life.
I cannot live in limbo much longer.
~ the, now must carefully edit, lest the watchers accuse me of witchcraft! audacious amateur blogger
I “like” out of sympathy – been there, done that. Actually, AM there currently… You’re 3 months ahead of me, so that extra time is not really something I can envision right now, but I am in that phase right after the self-pity, the questioning, I’ve finally gotten the adrenaline shot and gone wild with sending out resumes, being the confident, smiling me during job interviews… only I still don’t have a proper lead, nothing much really…. what now ??
So I really do hope you find a way to get back on your feet, in the end.
Oh, and regarding your future posts (I’m a bit psychic), I hope whatever happens you’ll find a way to write again, maybe a blog you don’t tell anyone about, and if that happens I hope to stumble upon your writing once again. Cheers.
I think sometimes its good to go through such phases. Makes us value things. I’m no Dalai Lama or that lady who preaches every morning on my tele. I feel at the end of all this you’ll come out a stronger person. At this point everything might some against you. Trust me yesterday I almost got arrested, spent 1200 bucks worth on some shitty cab ride home and didn’t have a single bit to eat all day. It’s never easy. There’s no fun it. All I’d say is hang in there. Good things will happen. Just wait for it. Take Care. I hope you feel better soon.
Geez…. That sounds… Terrible! At least when I got sprung from the looney bin they paid for my cab home, an gave me clothes to wear (I was naked when they brought me in… That’s a twisted take too)
Glad you’re okay now and positive thinking – goin for it!
You sound like a person who never has one boring moment. How on earth could you go through this phase? I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Good luck
lol, well, i didnt say my life is boring just…excitement is not always positive ya know!