Tags
awkward, depression, Humour, laughter, life, mental health, relationships, roommate
My roommate, she is always happy and positive and laughing.
People, men especially, but women too, are drawn to her. She has strong convictions, a strong personality. My roommate is NOT the giggly cheerleader type.
But she is always laughing. When she talks to her ex, the guys she dates, even on the phone with the utility company. She never laughs with me.
We started out as colleagues. Had the same role, on the same team, only she began four months AFTER I did and was given all the “good” clients immediately. As a result, she quickly made a name for herself, while I rested in the shadows.
She worked hard. We both did and we were a great team. Brainstorming sessions, staying late at night to make things better not because it was required, because we wanted the best for our clients, we wanted to give the best we could possibly deliver.
This bloomed into a friendship and when the stars met and perfect timing appeared. When we were both seeking new living situations at the same time we made plans to move in together.
I gave her my deposit the day the “incident” that led to my dismissal occurred.
This was late April. I could have moved in May 1. However, while I did pay rent for “our” new apartment, I did not move in. I stayed at Tom’s place. He had by then officially moved out, ironically to an apartment a five-minute walk from my “new place”. I was alone. I had just been fired. I could not bring myself to look, speak, be near her.
There was no blame, maybe a hint of jealousy, but it was mainly resentment, sadness and the reminder of what I had lost that made it painful to be around her. So, I stayed at Tom’s until his lease ended and I was forced to go. June 10th. Over a month I kept my distance.
Now, we are cordial. She can’t handle “me”, who I am, what I’ve become. She is kind and well-intentioned. However, I need to laugh. I need to be social. I need a friend.
So, I hear her laugh. I get the subtle hints that she would prefer I not speak, that I stay in my room, be
cause, she has a lot on her plate and deserves to laugh too. I just make her tense, frown. I should not impose that on anyone, so I keep my distance.
With the loss of Alex, Caitlin, my own mother. Where, how, when will I find laughter again? When will I smile in genuine joy? How long can a person live without those things? How long before they lose the fire for life that once lit them up from the inside out. How long before they literally shrivel up and die?
~ audacious… Blah, blah, blah
You’ve seen more about life than I have but I bet you know that things can turn around really quickly. For the better or for the worse. I look at this way. If there’s a down? there’ll be an up real soon. Kind of like a rollercoaster ride. You’ve had your downs, things will only get better. You’re pretty amazing AND funny. You can be pretty deep as well, so there’s not reason why you shouldn’t be able to fix things and if not, be able to find a nice friend. Now I know it sounds stupid, but you stumble across things when you least expect and things fall into place, always. Have a nice day
Oh and smile! 
I have found many great friends and she is still my friend, I just think she is being self-preservative by keeping her distance. She wants the same, to be around positive, happy people, I am not that right now. I don’t hold it against her.
Once I find my inner peace, somehow get to a “good” place, the smiles will come. The good people will be back. It’s just SUCH AN EFFORT TO GET THERE.
Being alone is just a physical state, it can be changed by being with people who appreciate you rather than those who make you feel even more alone. Feeling lonely is an emotion and like any other emotion it will pass too, but you have to reach out. You have to open the door and let life in. Surround yourself with everything that makes you smile
Life is too precious to wonder “why”… as for “how” and “when” the answers will show up when you take charge! The sun is shining..time to smile 
Hugz!
I know. Loneliness is a physical state, but it is also a mental state. I will be the first to admit I have erected the walls around me that keeps the “smiles” away. That keep the friends, the perky happy fun loving friends away.
I wish I could surround myself with things I love or do the things I love. I also wish I could want those things more. Have more motivation towards getting them and doing them. I love to travel, I have no money, but I have had this plan, this day rip to Napa I have had put together month ago. Napa is 40 minutes away and I just can’t bring myself to get up and just GO.
I used to wake at 6am to hike mountains so I could make it to a midday festival before hopping a 5 hour bus to another country just in time for a lovely relaxed dinner in wine country. Now, I cannot even get up to get to therapy – at 1pm. Even when I’m in these new beautiful places my mind isnt.
How do I get it back?
Well, the good news is that you WANT to get it back
That’s the first step. I understand it seems overwhelming to be your good old happy self now, so why don’t you break it up into tiny baby steps that are easier to take? That’s what I did (trust me, going through a divorce that I didn’t want in the first place, can be very difficult!) But I believe that we are all essentially very happy beings and sadness is just a conditioned state of being.
You don’t want the best years of your life to fly away! Grab life by it’s reigns, it IS yours. And stick with us, here. XO!
Seems to be you need a purpose..something to look forward to..who’s the one person or what’s the one thing you love most in your life? Reach out to them/it. On my worst day, I’ve put my head on my 3 year old niece’s lap and cried my eyes out! That’s therapy. It works for me, it could work for you too.
I know you find this difficult now, but when you look back you’ll be proud that you made it thru!
Give yourself a goal, something that drives you. Always remember you’ll be twenty something only once
Aye I know! I only have 6 mos left in my 20′s!!
I know I’m the walls of the box. I’m working on it