November 2011 vs. November 2012
A tale of loss, negative life velocity, failure and confusion.
Last year at this time:
1. I had a well-paying “stable” job w a great global company with excellent benefits where I was exposed to a plethora of new skills.
2. I joined a ski lease in Tahoe, got my very first pair of my own skis, my very first seasons pass and was SOOO excited about spending a season becoming a better skier, meeting new people and growing a social life out west.
4. I felt like I was happy to be in one place. I had never felt like that. I felt ready to start “building my life”
5. I made a friend. We were ski buddies, work friends, we could count on each other to cover shifts, help with problems etc.
I got all those thing on my OWN/b>. Worked hard, played the game, bided my time and finally had gotten to a good place.
This time, this year:
1. Unemployment is running out. I have a ton of debt and limited job prospects
2. It’s snowing like mad in the Sierra’s RIGHT NOW. Last year, it did not snow once until February. It was a CRAP season.
3. Mike is making plans to go off and move to Utah with some chic he met traveling after two weeks. He never wants to see me, will not put aside anything bad that happened between us and try to remember some of the good.
Mike is the only person I “know” and feel, even with all the drama, comfortable around, in about 3000 miles. Once he felt ready to move on he did. I did not reach the same place and it haunts me.
3. The girl who would later become my roommateI are not friends like we were. I am not pleasant to be arounnd. I know this. I am depressed, sad, I am a downer.
4. I can not remember what it feels like to be excited for something. Everything I want to be excited for, I can not have.
6. No one has held me, touched me, hugged me in such a long time. Humans need physical contact. I don’t feel human.
I think – last year wins?
What would I change? How could things be different?
The problem with writing a revisionist tale in the context of where I was then in comparison to where I was now are the uncontrollable variables.
- If I hadn’t gotten laid off then…
- If I hadn’t gotten wasted that night of the concert making Mike feel I wasn’t what he wanted long-term then….
- If I had stopped dating Mike knowing he felt that way….
- If my friend and I hadn’t moved in together..
Things happen you can and can’t control. I know how I would change how I reacted to what I could not control.
But perhaps the big IF is:
What if never moved to San Francisco?
ACTUALLY, taking it a step forward: What if I had never been offered that position in San Francisco (without the offer the first question is moot, there would be nothing prompting me to make that move).
Too deep, sorry daily prompt, I am already in therapy twice a week!
~ the audacious amateur blogger