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change, daily post, daily prompt, inspiration, job, November, postaday, san francisco, skiing, Tahoe, Thanksgiving, unemployment
November 2011 vs. November 2012
A tale of loss, negative life velocity, failure and confusion.
November 2011
Last year at this time:
1. I had a well-paying “stable” job w a great global company with excellent benefits where I was exposed to a plethora of new skills.
2. I joined a ski lease in Tahoe, got my very first pair of my own skis, my very first seasons pass and was SOOO excited about spending a season becoming a better skier, meeting new people and growing a social life out west.
3. I had started seeing Mike. He had asked me to spend Thanksgiving with him.
4. I felt like I was happy to be in one place. I had never felt like that. I felt ready to start “building my life”
5. I made a friend. We were ski buddies, work friends, we could count on each other to cover shifts, help with problems etc.
I got all those thing on my OWN/b>. Worked hard, played the game, bided my time and finally had gotten to a good place.
November 2011
This time, this year:
1. Unemployment is running out. I have a ton of debt and limited job prospects
2. It’s snowing like mad in the Sierra’s RIGHT NOW. Last year, it did not snow once until February. It was a CRAP season.
3. Mike is making plans to go off and move to Utah with some chic he met traveling after two weeks. He never wants to see me, will not put aside anything bad that happened between us and try to remember some of the good.
Mike is the only person I “know” and feel, even with all the drama, comfortable around, in about 3000 miles. Once he felt ready to move on he did. I did not reach the same place and it haunts me.
3. The girl who would later become my roommateI are not friends like we were. I am not pleasant to be arounnd. I know this. I am depressed, sad, I am a downer.
4. I can not remember what it feels like to be excited for something. Everything I want to be excited for, I can not have.
5. I don’t know how to start over. I am a hard dedicated worker, I get what I want but I’ve never felt so lost that I don’t even know where to start.
6. No one has held me, touched me, hugged me in such a long time. Humans need physical contact. I don’t feel human.
I think – last year wins?
What would I change? How could things be different?
The problem with writing a revisionist tale in the context of where I was then in comparison to where I was now are the uncontrollable variables.
- If I hadn’t gotten laid off then…
- If I hadn’t gotten wasted that night of the concert making Mike feel I wasn’t what he wanted long-term then….
- If I had stopped dating Mike knowing he felt that way….
- If my friend and I hadn’t moved in together..
Things happen you can and can’t control. I know how I would change how I reacted to what I could not control.
But perhaps the big IF is:
What if never moved to San Francisco?
ACTUALLY, taking it a step forward: What if I had never been offered that position in San Francisco (without the offer the first question is moot, there would be nothing prompting me to make that move).
Too deep, sorry daily prompt, I am already in therapy twice a week!
~ the audacious amateur blogger
Awesome info and nicely written. Keep up the good stuff!
um, wow, yea, sure… but can I like edit it? spell words correctly and what not?
I kinda purged there I guess… been a reflective morning, I am glad it…affected you. Ageing, it is one of those things we don’t wanna think or talk about because we don’t want to realize that we have to give up the dreams we had been holding onto for most of our lives.
Feel your pain… a year ago I was in the best relationship of my life, completely falling in love with a girl I had slowly become head over heels for.
The single best morning of my life was just over a year ago, though I’ll save you all the gory details of why it was so incredible
Amazing how much can change in a year. A lot for the better as well. But just think… if things were so good a year ago and now so bad… what’s stopping them from being really good a year from now??
Very true. Except I wont be 29 next year. Ill be 30, in your world, isn’t that “hitting a wall” or something?
It depends in what you want in life. Attractiveness goes down for both sexes the older we get. It’s a fact of life. Satisfaction with work, relationships and life in general can conversely go up.
That’s the thing. I’m not as concerned w not lookin so good. I mean I take well enough care enough physically and have good skin. Skin, and grey hair age people, nowadays theirs hair due and Botox… It’s that I wanted to DO so much. I had so many PLANS.
I still wanted to travel more, I’ve always wanted to live abroad and learn another language, figure out what i reaaally want professionally and build a career. Meet “the one”, travel and do exiting things like hike the Pacific northwest trail w him for 4 months, find a place to settle down, build a home and a family, host dinner parties and join local community efforts to prevent obesity and increase physical activity in youth and adults… I guess I’m one of those typical “21st century” women who want it all… And at 25 it seemed.. Within reach. Now… I know I have to make sacrifices.Not bc I think 30 or even 40 or 50 is old. I know 50 year old women who raised families, built crazy successful careers, sustained a loving marriage, and look freaking hot and are still physically fit to ski runs that make my quads sore just thinking about them.
I just can’t stop my bio clock. I can’t make my eggs stay young. And every year I get more emotional baggage. While getting older does mean knowing more about life and the world etc. maybe… I liked being a little naive. Because bad things happen! To good people. As you age you gain wisdom but you also gain… Awareness that shit happens, it happens to you and you become jaded (you can’t tell me your failed relationship hasn’t affected the way you approach love and relationships now). You find jobs you love and get axed or don’t climb the ropes bc of corporate bullshit, you see that working hard and intelligence don’t mean as much as ass kissing. You see parents get sick. Your father lose his mind to Alzheimer’s at 63! You cry knowing the man you grew up with, your hero, your children will never meet. That he might not even know who you are or what is going on when walking you down the aisle… Ugh. Just so much SHIT. In 7 years how much shit you realize in wrong with the world. I mean i stood on a rooftop less than two miles from ground zero and watches the twin towers collapse.
THOSE things age you as much or more than a few wrinkles.
That is a beautifully frank and honest (and brave!) look at ageing. Mind if I reblog?
Actually… can I post it first.. a post on my thoughts on ageing… already done. I didn’t even have to brainstorm it
Hah of course! I’ll post it next week as a counterpoint to a post I’d already written about ageing and men.
I get the feeling we would get on in real life extremely well!
I’ll check out your post now. Should be interesting to get a male perspective.
Haha. You really think we’d get in person? We do have opposing opinions on some fairly heavy topics… The whole virgins make better wives thing and all… Then again, I don’t share the same beliefs as many of my friends, so maybe.
Shame. Guess we’ll never get to find out :p
Actually. I have been actively seeking employment in the UK. I want to relocate there, for a while at least. Dunno, something I’ve been wanting for a while.
If you 3rd MM have it in ur 50,000 hits (so jealous but not being overt w it) budget to sponsor an American work Visa… I can… Do housework, im an excellent cook, file… Oh and in my previous job did web content mangement, have a degree in marketing and psychology. Maybe assist in other ways m, somehow…
Ah, I’m just throwing stones. Dreams like I said in my post must, at a certain point be reevaluated. Prioritized. Living and trying to sustain myself financially, and meet you and of course get along smimmingly
in the UK is one of the “disposable” items on the list.
Still… If you know anyone looking to hire a very un-American, America w a highly diverse skill set.. Don’t forget about me!
I do respect and relate to your way of thinking. We would def be good mates
-j