I have had roller coaster relationship with the manosphere.
My immediate reaction was shock, hate, anger and defense against the blatantly 1950′s-esq behavior it promoted.
Then, as I read on, became familiar and open with the concepts I had to admit to myself what was being said was at least true. I had to take a closer look as to how my actions had impaired my ability to obtain a lasting relationship. Further and more importantly, how these actions had ruined the potential success of a courtship in progress.
So, I committed myself to the rules.
I would not hop into bed until a commitment was either in place or imminent. My usual argumentative self would passively listen, see to a mans needs, make sure HE had a shoulder to lean in after a rough day. All this even if my own day had been extremely stressful.
I believed I could enact these “rules” and have a chance at a true long-term loving relationship.
Then, January 1, 2013 passed. For me this date not only signifies the beginning of a new year but is a reminder that my birthday is approaching. This year I turn 30. In two months and 13 days I will be 30 years old.
Reading the posts on the manosphere, those that go on and on and on, proclaiming HOW MUCH my “value” will decrease the moment the clock strikes 7:30pm EST on April 3rd, 2013 has left me disheartened. Couple that will my less than wholesome past all I can see is blankness. All I can feel is hopelessness.
If, I did not have enough “value” as a virginal 22-year-old, how can I possibly rake in a man now?
3rd Millenium Men is a blog I follow religiously. I respect the author and his opinion greatly. In a recent post titled, “The Thoughts Process of Horny Men…or…Why They Shut Down Post-Bang“, one thought stream hit dangerously close to home. It states:
“When I’ve been with girlfriends in the past I didn’t take seriously because they put out quickly, I have quickly gone looking for more women, leveraging off the action I already have. However, when I start dating a girl I can see long term potential with, I am completely focused and not interested in other women.
So what should women do to ensure guys stay with them longer term?
First and foremost, not put out!! At least until you are a long way into an exclusively committed relationship, or better yet, married. Keep the buildup of sexual tension happening. Guys will think there is something magical about you, and will stick around for a long time chasing that.”
Okay, I’m no fool, I know consciously that this is a fact of the “dating process”. However, it is just not ME. I personally, honestly, do not understand how the beginning of a relationship can continue to influence it once a couple has gotten to know each other. Once the man realizes, whatever happened at the start is not relevant because she is still there. She wants to be with him. She truly and steadfastly cares for him.
Using sex or withholding sex, isn’t this something men complain about? They get mad about? It is like a biological double standard. They resent us for HAVING and USING this power but are simultaneously drawn to it.
According to the “experts” if I don’t buck up, strap on my chastity belt, become a doting “feminine” (whatever that means) woman soon I am SOL. Doomed to live a life of solitude or settle for a beta. Live a life of resentment or live a life alone, hmmm, those are some pretty bleak options.
What defines a man of value? A beta, what about him is bad? That he is kind, that he isn’t assertive, manipulative, shy? I admit I have mainly been attracted to alpha’s, however, beta’s have crept in. There was something about their genuine authenticity that was appealing. Is marrying a beta a death sentence? Perhaps I could bring out the alpha in HIM?
All that notwithstanding that is not my issue. I HAVE been in this situation. I HAVE rushed into bed with someone too soon and it DID affect how he saw our relationship. While we became serious that I slept with home right away was always in the back of his mind.
Perhaps this is all true for some if not most women. I just so happens not to be for me. I can give up a lot for a man, I can change certain behaviors, but where do I draw the line? How do let myself be “me” without losing “him“?
Can women be both assertive and submissive?
Is being an intellectual woman the same as a dominant woman? How can I convey that in love and in relationships I am doting, caring, feminine and utterly and completely loyal – if shown I can trust a man with these precious qualities?
~ the audacious amateur blogger