I have had a fair amount of sexual experience; my share of bang-buddies, flings, friends-with benefits. I have dated men exclusively for very brief amounts of time. Most of these affairs I knew going nowhere. Relationships that were “time-stamped” and would never amount to anything more than having someone to have that you get along with, do fun things with and fuck before one of you moves away (which you know is impending of course before getting into these relationships).
Yesterday, when I received yet another 
“save the date” from one the members of my close circle of friends (yes, this is the FIFTH wedding I will have announced during the five-month tenure of this blog. Insane times people), I got to thinking; what is up with this LTR thing? What is up with me not having one or ever having had one?
I am practically an expert on how to attain, cope and gracefully implement, enjoy and end all the aforementioned types of relationships. However, what I have NOT had, what I have almost NO clue about is the “long-term relationship“. The “this may be the one I marry” scenario.
Naturally, this lack of ability to “land a man” provides me with the expertise on how to, well, not keep a man. Below is a list of what I have found to be LTR killers. The easiest ways to get a guy who may actually initially want to spend the rest of his life with you – flip on a dime.
TOP 10 WAYS TO LOSE A MAN
1. Not remember their name but recalling the brand of condom you used after your first date.
2. Mention within the first six months - 
you are taking any sort of psychotropic, psychiatric or mental health related medication. Further, you may wanna hold off revealing that twice weekly appointment you have Wednesday’s is with your therapist.
3. Reveal within the first three months - any serious family drama. Think, close relative in prison or estrangement.
Oh. Also skip out on talking about any debts you have incurred. This is ESPECIALLY true for credit card debts with high interest rates. Student loans are OKAY-ish.
4. IF you are dating but not yet in a committed relationship; sleeping with someone else. Yes, I know you are “allowed”, but really, you’re not. Lie if you do.
5. Get completely obliterated to the point you cannot walk, talk and perhaps publically urinate the first time he introduces you to his close circle of friends.
6. Call. Leave a long-winded voicemail. Call again, leave another long-winded voicemail. Text. Call. Call. Call. Text. Text. Text. 
This goes for any time of the day but especially after 9:30pm.
7. Seem like your life is more important than his. Always use a feminine tone and have your words project your delicacy without putting your own needs above his. Let me clarify:
If you have a date and up until then you have had possibly the WORST day of your life. I mean you were berated at work I front of the whole office, spilled coffee on your white blouse then got a call from your mom that your father was in the hospital for getting wasted and breaking into the community pool. No matter if you were fired, mugged, the victim of a drive by shooting, he comes first.
When you see him, smile. Do not immediately reveal the troubles of your day. Ask, “how was your day?”. If he seems stressed, soothe him. When and if he asks how your day went, be aloof “oh, you know the same old”.
8. Tell him you have a kid before date number nine.
9. Reveal any genetic flaws in your family that you may be a carrier of basically until after he proposes. Definitely, for God sakes, do NOT mention the words “schizophrenia’, “bi-polar”, or “incest”.
10. Say anything about ex’s for…. a while. Definitely to not start with anything negative. Not about what you did or what he did. Keep the past in the past until you see a definite future with someone. And for heaven’s sake never ever and I mean ever mention any ex’s sexual prowess!
I am aware some of these are pretty obvious. Others, not so much but I promise there is logic behind every scenario.
Sometimes, sadly, it can take as little as enacting one of these crimes to lose a man. Other guys are more forgiving and will allow one or two to slip by before giving you the slip.
Females of the world; I’d love to hear any additions you have found worthy of “the list”!
Laters,
~ the audacious amateur blogger
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I agree on all these. You and I are opposite on this. Since I started dating about 14 years ago, if I add up all of the time I spend in an LTR, it would probably be around 12 years total. So about 2 years of bopping between being single, dating, and flinging which I feel like is not much. I’m still not married, by choice though. I probably could have been married by age 21 if I wanted, but I’m glad I didn’t because I’d probably be divorced now. It wasn’t the right time.
Very Nice some funny stuff here and I can tell you lived all of it! I woud tell the ladies of the world…stop setting bear traps! By that I mean stop asking men impossible questions. “Do you tink that Katy Perry has better boobs than me?’ “Do you like girls that would dress in naughty school girl uniform on Valentines Day?” “Do I look fat?”…you get the idea. Never try to start a fight or stir shit up by asking silly questions…chances are if your man is honest, you may get your feelings hurt;(
haha. Thanks
Yes. live and learn! I am at least smart enough to know or maybe just don’t care what men think (or maybe not that insecure, competitive with other women, whatever psychological force drives chics to ask those irrelevant questions) to have fucked up a relationship or started a fight with that! I will ask if a guy prefers one outfit over another bc well, I want him to enjoy the view. Or the appropriateness of something given the type of event – sometimes I just don’t know. I have mentioned this before, the only men I ask “do I look fat” or “does this look good” are my dad and bro – who ARE brutally honest but sometimes you gotta hear the truth to snap you back and away from the cookie jar! And they are objective advisors. Rather they want the best for me. Otherwise, yea that belongs on the list too!
I really like your blog and your style, keep up the good work!
wow. that is super sweet of you to say. it is always nice to get positive feedback. I truly appreciate it. > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 02:28:04 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
LOL Love it. I think lots of people want to lose a man quickly by this list.
Heehee. Lots or just me!? I don’t waaaant to, I just FINALLY (only took like 30 years, man I wish my mom was one of those moms who taught me how to apply makeup, flirt, basically be a girl. To her defense she did always buy me really slutty or rather clothes that emphasized my ample bust, something I wasn’t and am still not too comfortable with – otherwise she sent me out to make these mistakes and learn by doing. Which again to her credit isn’t the worst thing, it just SUCKED!) > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 00:10:09 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
LOL My mom was butch. I get it.
damn. mine was just… as clueless as me! lucky she got knocked up by a decent fellow who was ready to settle down
Also, I accredit the success of my parents’ marriage to language barrier. I seriously gotta move to Argentina or something. My mom not really speaking much English for the first 5 years of their marriage was a blessing!
Like you said, language is REALLY important for men and women and to be frank my dad could be kinda a jerk and my mom wasn’t particularly flirty.
So, she sat and looked pretty while he said some mean things (not abusive just… not gentlemanly) while they fell in love and by the time they understood each other it was too late. They were hooked on each other
I realized all this during a very oedipal relationship where I heard similar language from the guy as id heard growing up from dad. I thought man mom not understanding this shit REALLY helped!
LOL I bet it did help. Mom never married. She adopted me as a single woman.
So that is where or how you got to be the strong woman you are. That is awesome! > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 00:26:50 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
I should write the guys version of this list. I got 12 wonderful years of experience to draw on hehe.
Hey Audi, i fixed the blogroll. You can stop the sniffles now
Ha, so this would be a “how NOT to get laid” list??
I can totally etch one of those out too, don’t forget i didn’t get any for the entirety of my teens and better part of my 20′s too! Buuut… Really, if a woman says “cock” she can have cock (just gotta think – is this the cock I want?? I guess I waited till I learned to pull class A cock, lol)
I’m like ashamed of this list. I’ve committed most of those sins except well I dont have a kid.
Aaaand I totally feel like a toddler crybaby bout your blog roll! I so appreciate it but know I only want to be there bc YOU want me there!
Luv ya
“I only want to be there bc YOU want me there!
Luv ya ”
And that’s how i feel about sex too
Hence why any woman who tells a guy he should just get a stripper if he wants sex is an insult. And now you know this useless but insightful tidbit of info.
And knowing is half the battle.
Go Joe!
M3, you have mentioned your history with strippers before and I really have a lot of thoughts on what you said. SO many I didn’t respond. I will, I just… kinda don’t get it but do. It is easy attention but not real. I am sorry that you went down that path but glad you came through a better learned man. (btw the first time I saw, or realized I had seen a hooker was in Toronto actually. I was about 13 and on a family vacation. My dad wanted to go to a store for some ice cream. it was like 10pm, took a short walk from the hotel and we saw these women… they were dressed, well you know how they dress, and I just knew what they were. I looked at my father and he very calmly told me that this was something that existed in the world and to accept it. I actually – this is why feminists hate me – think prostitution should be legal, it is a choice, or would be more so if legal, and well… yah, I really don’t see stripping or selling sex as any different than selling life insurance. its all about the game baby, make that money, use your talent, whatever they may be. you may disagree and if so I would def like to know why) > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 00:25:47 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
There was a question in there? LOL.
Feel free to hit up my contact form and you can ask me any in depth questions you wish offline, unless you feel my answers would be pertinent to educating others.
And feminists are retarded. They can’t figure out whether the sex industry is a woman’s body and choice.. or female oppression by penis. I personally think they do a needed service.. but i’ve already voiced my opinion that sex with prostitutes is devoid of meaning because they don’t want to be there with you.. only your wallet. It’s the sexbot debate all over again.
I can at least say that those strippers were with me for me, i didn’t pay them a penny save for the first lap dance where i let my magic hands do all the talkin
Gotcha. Ill hit you up for a deep philosophical convo, when we got time
These are all so good.
Not hating on the ladies, I’m sure there plenty of guy horror stories too.
hey we can all be dumbasses sometimes! it is not gender specific!
Oooh, how about not mentioning that you are taking a psychotropic, psychiatric or mental health related medication and then mixing it with a gallon of vodka on the first date? Can someone say BEST.DANCER.EVER?!?! Well, at least you think so…
HAHHAAH. yeaaaa I would definitely NEST that one in too!
Maybe it’s a me thing, but I like a woman remember the brand name of the condom after the first date. Makes shopping easier for me.
Yea, but what If they don’t remember your name?
At that point I know that I have a few good times ahead and hopefully they learn my name by then.
Given how horrible I am remembering names I have done this, well not the condom part, but I have not been able to remember names after a few meetings. So I am forgiving with names and phone numbers.
Fair enough
um, I don’t know. which post, the “I aint keen…”?
What does one have to do with the other? Can you please clarify your comment?
Thanks, I figured what hypergamy was and also that it was a comment that was half poking fun at me half as you said in jest. What I don’t know is what “IMHO” stands for…care to shed some light? You think my mental problems stem from wanting men that are better looking and more successful than myself. Me and most of the female population… fascinating. I don’t do a lot of “chasing”. I meet most men I end up involved with kinda organically, which implies they saw something in me worth stickin around for (for whatever amount of time that was). I’ve never really dated above my “potential status”. I say potential bc I DO have debt, I am still building my career and I am still “finding myself” and truly loving who that is (which I want to make clear is different from liking who I am. I very much like who I am, my morals, my priorities, my strengths and I accept my weaknesses. I would not want to be a different person – I mean me being who I am is why I have so many friends that love me
lol, c’mon we gotta self indulge every now and then!) I am attracted to and tend to be with men who are at a similar intelligence level, are open minded, driven (even if they are not yet successful or will never be super rich but always strive to be at the top of their chosen profession, which is usually more corporate and less artsy, just don’t get the whole hot musician or artist thing… im more of an athlete lover) but often our knowledge base is not the same. I like to be with someone I can learn from and who can learn from me. Im def not tryin or interested in like stuck up status whores who went to Yale, were valedictorian and base their personal value on how much “stuff” they have. Stuff and money. I like down to earth went to state school, grew up middle to upper middle class, were decent enough students, did well enough to get into a good state school, get a good job and have fun. Should I be going after like a mechanic or a gas station attendant w a limp? > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 01:10:04 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
Geez, that’s horrible! and basically an Arrested Development episode. Heehee.
Well good thing my dad turned out to be a true Alpha and love ensued.
Though, it was kinda obvious neither were retarded since my dad hired mum. He was deputy commissioner for DOT of NYC… had an MBA… kind of implies – not being a retard.
Yea, he hired a basically non-English speaking woman to answer phones but that that just makes him a man not dumb (mom always says short skirts make great interviews, dad was a leg man).
Mom was also obviously smart. Resume had that she had a degree in civil engineering she got in Kiev and was working to become a computer programmer PT at NYU since apparently there wasn’t much of a need for civil engineers and you don’t need to speak English to learn a computer language eh, see, she was smart, logical and knew it was a good career path.
Your story kinda says that woman wasn’t to bright either!
Audi, you just have to find out by yourself how to improve your life. When it comes down to the most important questions in one’s life nobody else can help. We are alone in our test. And that’s how it should be.
Are you talking to me?
? bout being a strong woman? yep > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 02:11:09 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
so then you’re saying hypergamy is ONLY about looks and wealth? intelligence is not included? sounds like they were just not right for each other. Like a hot rich guy isn’t a 10 to me. He’s a non-number. he doesn’t exist. id take a driven smart ok looking guy over rich and hot any day > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 02:14:16 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
ah! gotcha! > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 02:18:39 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
Gotcha and agree. That isn’t the same as “getting a life” though. I assume you mean like… going out, dinners with friends, fun-filled activity driven weekends etc? I’m definitely trying. I’m definitely actively working on it. That is all I can do for now and if and when it happens is out of my hands. I cannot force myself to like people or vice versa. I also find it very difficult and EXHAUSTING to socialize with people I don’t feel this spark with, like we get each other. Often I find myself chatting with someone and it is sooo much work because I just know we are not “like-minded” so I have to filter not what I say but almost who I am. I would rather sit alone at a restaurant, people watch and do a crossword than pretend to be someone I am not because it has this false overtone of “having a life”. I go places, take trips, go to social events or put myself in social situations. Only more recently though s > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 02:35:38 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >
…. since… I just feel better for whatever reason. Maybe just got tired of being sad. Maybe having that jumpstart of a job prospect, maybe my mom saying she wasn’t going to pay for my COBRA coverage anymore and I had to get my shiat together FAST. Perhaps it is my looming 30th bday or maybe it is just the natural progression of me. Of what I want out of my life evolving and that evolution makes me able to work towards it. Who really ever knows these things. > Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2013 02:35:38 +0000 > To: amateurblogger@live.com >