I have had a fair amount of sexual experience; my share of bang-buddies, flings, friends-with benefits. I have dated men exclusively for very brief amounts of time. Most of these affairs I knew going nowhere. Relationships that were “time-stamped” and would never amount to anything more than having someone to have that you get along with, do fun things with and fuck before one of you moves away (which you know is impending of course before getting into these relationships).
Yesterday, when I received yet another “save the date” from one the members of my close circle of friends (yes, this is the FIFTH wedding I will have announced during the five-month tenure of this blog. Insane times people), I got to thinking; what is up with this LTR thing? What is up with me not having one or ever having had one?
I am practically an expert on how to attain, cope and gracefully implement, enjoy and end all the aforementioned types of relationships. However, what I have NOT had, what I have almost NO clue about is the “long-term relationship“. The “this may be the one I marry” scenario.
Naturally, this lack of ability to “land a man” provides me with the expertise on how to, well, not keep a man. Below is a list of what I have found to be LTR killers. The easiest ways to get a guy who may actually initially want to spend the rest of his life with you – flip on a dime.
TOP 10 WAYS TO LOSE A MAN
1. Not remember their name but recalling the brand of condom you used after your first date.
2. Mention within the first six months - you are taking any sort of psychotropic, psychiatric or mental health related medication. Further, you may wanna hold off revealing that twice weekly appointment you have Wednesday’s is with your therapist.
3. Reveal within the first three months - any serious family drama. Think, close relative in prison or estrangement.
Oh. Also skip out on talking about any debts you have incurred. This is ESPECIALLY true for credit card debts with high interest rates. Student loans are OKAY-ish.
4. IF you are dating but not yet in a committed relationship; sleeping with someone else. Yes, I know you are “allowed”, but really, you’re not. Lie if you do.
5. Get completely obliterated to the point you cannot walk, talk and perhaps publically urinate the first time he introduces you to his close circle of friends.
7. Seem like your life is more important than his. Always use a feminine tone and have your words project your delicacy without putting your own needs above his. Let me clarify:
If you have a date and up until then you have had possibly the WORST day of your life. I mean you were berated at work I front of the whole office, spilled coffee on your white blouse then got a call from your mom that your father was in the hospital for getting wasted and breaking into the community pool. No matter if you were fired, mugged, the victim of a drive by shooting, he comes first.
When you see him, smile. Do not immediately reveal the troubles of your day. Ask, “how was your day?”. If he seems stressed, soothe him. When and if he asks how your day went, be aloof “oh, you know the same old”.
8. Tell him you have a kid before date number nine.
9. Reveal any genetic flaws in your family that you may be a carrier of basically until after he proposes. Definitely, for God sakes, do NOT mention the words “schizophrenia’, “bi-polar”, or “incest”.
10. Say anything about ex’s for…. a while. Definitely to not start with anything negative. Not about what you did or what he did. Keep the past in the past until you see a definite future with someone. And for heaven’s sake never ever and I mean ever mention any ex’s sexual prowess!
I am aware some of these are pretty obvious. Others, not so much but I promise there is logic behind every scenario.
Sometimes, sadly, it can take as little as enacting one of these crimes to lose a man. Other guys are more forgiving and will allow one or two to slip by before giving you the slip.
Females of the world; I’d love to hear any additions you have found worthy of “the list”!
~ the audacious amateur blogger